If I could have one wish

A week ago, I went into blockbuster picked up like 6 movies and then checked out and when I got to my car, I realized that I had just flirted with the young'in who was serving me. Then I thought to myself wtf just happened and why did I do that? I know that he is younger than I and he was so talkative and very helpful but still. So that night I watched 4 of the 6 and just finished the 6th one yesterday. The movies I rented were The Devil Wears Prada, John Tucker Must Die, You Me and Dupree, The Lake House, Lucky Number Sleven, and The Breakup.

So I am now officially on holidays until the New Year with the exception of this thursday and friday. I actually found out that I go back to work on the 2nd instead of the 3rd, so Mr. mattie, I won't be able to accompany you to the airport to pick up mz. maggie.

Mz. Maggie and I went to the Spa last monday and I tell ya, it was an awesome experience. I had my feet and hands done first, and I almost fell asleep in the chair before getting a massage done. When I got my feet done, the lady who was doing my pedicure put french tips on my toes. She said it was kinda like wearing lingere (only you know its there and it makes you feel good). And to tell you the truth, its feeling great. I am proud of my toes. and no I don't have a foot fetish.

Yesterday was my big 22 and I didn't feel much different. I went out for luch with my mom and one of my brothers, then went shopping (just to dollarama). I then went out again in the afternoon for a movie and a dinner and didn't end up back home till this morning. (don't ask cause i'm not gonna give details). I had felt like I had a great time but I feel alone right now.

This time of year really sucks. I love all of the presents and the hanging with family and stuff, but there's one thing missing. And its really hard to not think about that now. Especially with my bestest friend being away with her bf. I'm trying not to think of that. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that they are happy together. But just knowing about them makes me cry. But if its one thing that I've learned is to find someone to put me as number one. I don't feel like i'm number one anymore and I keep letting myself slip back into someone that I'm not enjoying. Every time that I slip, I feel awesome for just that short period of time and then go into a depressed state of mind. Like i'm in right now. I'm tired of being put in second place. I'm tired of tired of something or someone being chosen over me. I'm tired of having something I love be taken away by someone whom I trusted with my life. I'm tired of waiting, being in limbo, and the endless wondering if something is going to happen or what is going to happen. I want the comfort, satisfaction and the support from someone who wants to give it to me. I don't know if I love the person who I once loved anymore. Yes, there are lingering feelings but I don't think I love him anymore. Too many broken hearts, too many tearful nights, and all the reading material that I've gone through since the end of summer (including two self help books which explained so much to me). I want to love him again but I don't think it's possible anymore. He wants time to sort his life out and for me not to wait, but I think somewhere in the back of his heart and mind he wants and expects me to wait. I dunno why I do this to myself. I get into that state of mind where I think i'm happy but then I come crashing down in the end. I want that happiness but is it really out there? are my standards too high? I think its time for a vacation. Or maybe to get a job outside of the city. Then maybe i'll be able to think straight and move on with my life.

All I want to do is curl up to a chick flick, with a quart of ice cream and cry till there's no tomm. But I can't do that because there's company over for xmas and when they leave, i've gotta clean and disenfect everything.